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| i am: Rebekah
i think: about all of the little things
i know: that God has a plan for me
i want: to know what it is.
i have: too much.
i wish: for more
i hate: hate.
i miss: being facedown
i fear: being alone
i feel: anxious
i hear: 'take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands. I will go..."
i smell: clean
i crave: excitement
i search: for His will
i wonder: who it is.
i regret: nothing.
i
love: my Savior.
i ache: for a pure, straight answer
i care: for souls
i always: think about it
i am not: who I was
i believe: that God will continue to do great things this year
i dance: everywhere I go
i sing: all of the time
i don't always: love like I should
i fight: with myself
i write: to release feelings
i win: because I have Jesus
i lose: myself in thought
i never: cuss
i confuse: myself.
i listen: to people with they don't think I am
i can usually be found: with a song in my head
i am scared: of more than I should be
i need: someone who will kill the bugs
i am happy about: what God is doing
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| Pressing Topic:
Does anxiety defy one's complete trust in our Sovereign God?
First of all, let it be known I have not decided an answer to this question (yet) because, in all honesty, I thought of it 5 seconds prior to typing it. And why in the freaking heck does everything I end up thinking about spawn from something about a boy? It's dumb. But at least I AM thinking. Right? That is besides the point. I am here to specifically talk about one subject, which I suppose could lead into the next mentioned (as far as my life is concerned), however I choose at this moment not to reveal the truth of my thoughts. After reading everything I just typed I have concluded that I am, in fact, female.
Moving on...or beginning...however you should look upon the vicious vocab vomit presented before you, I really would like to know how people view anxiety. Why yes, of course, there are several different ways and reasons for anxiety. Is it black and white? Or can this ride the fence?
Black and white : "So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34 (AMP) God is in control. He is All-Knowing; All-Powerful; All-Sufficient. I am fully aware and have experienced this for myself (certainly not to full extent). I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me and holds my future in His hands.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11
So, any time we worry about whether the next pay check will be enough, or who will be our next president, or who in the Sam Hill am I going to spend the rest of my life with...we fail the God who killed His Son so that because He loves and cares for us so much.
"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unfathomable (inscrutable, unsearchable) are His judgments (His decisions)! And how untraceable (mysterious, undiscoverable) are His ways (His methods, His paths)!" - Romans 11:33 (AMP)
We have betrayed that God.
Fence riders : Illness. Anxiety disorder is real. It is prevalent. It can be brought on by a certain stressful situation. It can be obtained simply through genes. Therefore, innocence is an issue. And it is not the sins of one's parents that causes this. I know first hand what the beginning stages of anxiety disorder is like. And I also know multitudes of people who suffer from it. I do praise the Lord for terminating that season of my life, but others aren't so fortunate. So it can't really be helped on human standard.
I suppose there are right and wrong ways to handle that illness, however it can't be okay for one person to be anxious about a situation and another person be anxious about the same situation, but be in wrong. God's love and compassion is equal to all.
My main issue here is more personal and less general. I know that I shouldn't worry. I'm fully aware that God has a plan for me. I know, I know, I know. But I don't feel or think. Or perhaps I feel and think too much. A child can be told over and over again that 1 +1 =2, but unless takes and 1 apple and 1 orange together to see he has 2 pieces of fruit, he cannot relate; he cannot experience. It's just an equation that is being drilled into his brain. So where's my dang orange? And why do I think about it so much when I know that God is going to provide the perfect Mr. Orange for me. Unfortunately, I think this is a lesson I won't be able to relate with or experience until I meet my little round citrus of love;) Which is why I'm anxious. Which is why I wrote this blog. Which is why I planned on going to bed an hour ago. So I'm not really sure why I decided to go ahead and share this because it's something I'm not proud of. But there's that. Welcome to my messed up head. Thank you, and goodnight.
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| It has been quite a while since I have visited the ol' xanga. After moving on to bigger and better things, such as Facebook, one forgets the account tucked away in hiding on the world wide web. I've missed just typing out how I feel for anyone to read...despite the fact that no one will read this. I'm not even sure that anyone owns a xanga anymore. Regardless, expression through writing is essential to sanity, so I will, for my sake.
Where to begin? It may take a while to shake up my brain and begin typing feelings rather than a boring preface to what might actually become subject. I have no idea what that subject might be, for I have no feeling inside of me at the moment. Or perhaps, I have too many to narrow it down to one. Or, perhaps there is feeling, and I am subconsciously unconnected with it. It is a mess, for lack of a better term. I know why this is happening. I know because this is not the first time I've encountered separation from myself; from my feelings; from who I am. Aha! Little did you know, reader, the plunge you just took. Anyhow, complications exist because I've compromised myself. I agree with evil by choosing not to fill myself with the Ultimate Source of Love, Compassion, and any form of mushy goodness. I'm only able to write this now because I've, today, chosen not to allow myself to stoop to that level. How could I do that to myself, and yet even worse, how can I do that to my Savior?
I've broken many promises in my life, but this one is below the belt, if you will. I was there. Facedown....begging for a second chance--promising to "do it better next time". And look at me. I am a failure. I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve an audience with the King. How could He place such a calling on someone this weak? WHAT IN THE WORLD COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT? The prince of this world knows that I am weak. He knows what will draw my attention; what will lure me away. But, oh prince, you've forgotten Who you are trying to take me away from. You've forgotten Who takes my weakness and becomes my Strength. And with that, well, I do not have the gumption to type what I am thinking...but "Go and wallow in the misery that you will never win" will suffice.
I've had a revelation while typing that last paragraph. God has not placed the calling He has placed on me because of me. He has placed the calling on me because of who He is in me. I am just a vessel. Weak but strong; poor but rich; doomed but saved.
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|  | Currently Listening
Pride & Prejudice
By Caroline Dale, Benjamin Wallfisch, William Lyons, English Chamber Orchestra, Jean-Yves Thibaudet, Aidan Broadbridge
see related |
I had an eventful weekend. Diane came over and we made a tent Saturday night! It was fun. We also went to Glen Rose Saturday and hung out with my brother's church youth group. That was interesting. lol I'm sleepy. And I want ice cream.
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| My first week back at school was pretty interesting. I felt really blessed by God, but at the same time, the school part when by so slowly. I was able to go to bed before 10:00 each night, I arrived at school on time, crazy lady didn't park in my spot, and I only had one day of musical practice. It's taken time fore me to ease back into school. I am still having trouble remembering what I "learned" before the break. I'm ready for this school year to be over. To be honest, once February 11th comes, I think I will be happier.
Today's Youth Council Meeting went really well. I feel like God was really present and is going to direct our youth group in a positive direction. If you're in the youth group, just pray about your role in this and be open to big changes:)
Now for the exciting, planned part of this blog. I want to thank God. Seriously. And then I want you to tell me what you are thankful for.
I'm thankful for wonderful times with friends. I'm thankful for my best friend. I'm thankful for being brought up in a Christian home. I'm thankful for a clean house. I'm thankful for God's Word. I'm thankful for a passion for music and reaching people for Christ. I'm thankful for a BEAUTIFUL day. I'm thankful for a peaceful Saturday at home by myself. I'm thankful that God is forgiving.
Your turn. ;D
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